Sex advice: I'm noticing a troubling pattern in bed among the younger men I'm sleeping with

How to Do It is Slate's sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It's anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I (48F) am recently divorced from my ex (52M). Our sex life was active, and he had no problems climaxing anywhere inside of me. I’ve recently started dating someone, a man who it turns out is 10 years younger than me. Before him, I’ve only ever dated one younger guy. So while my sample size is small, I’ve noticed that both of these younger dudes have pretty porny ideas about what they’d like to do in bed. These include coming on my face (which unless it is truly good for my skin, does absolutely nothing for me), anal before we’ve even mastered making me come consistently, and also them masturbating to finish. I’m not a huge fan of any of this, but it's the last one that really bums me out, because I love the feeling of a guy climaxing inside me, especially when he's on top and I feel his weight and closeness.

I can make any guy come with my mouth, but I have a sneaking suspicion that these young dudes grew up on so much porn and thereby developed a death grip that it leaves them unable to climax inside a vagina. My ex said that after the birth of each of our children, my vagina was a bit softer, but that after a couple of months, it bounced back to pre-birth tightness. So I don't believe I have an extra-roomy mommy vagina that's causing the problem. The guy I’m currently dating has been in therapy because of some intimacy issues from his last relationship and says that he wants to change his masturbatory conditioning. Aside from ceasing masturbation for a while, what can he do? And how long does it take to undo such conditioning? I thought about buying him a sex toy that is gentler than his usual grip, but I have no experience with such toys and don't know what to look for. I’ve suggested he use his other hand to change things up. I feel like until he has retrained his penis, I’ll have to give him blowjob after blowjob, and he will get acclimated to just that instead. We get along great and are super affectionate in every other way, but I worry that we are just sexually incompatible. Help!

—Not a Sex Therapist

Dear Not a Sex Therapist,

You’re making some conclusions that feel like a long reach, and based on only two data points, no less. You don't mention having talked to these younger guys about whether they view porn often and how they do it. You don't mention whether they’re socially anxious, or on antidepressants. You don't mention how they masturbate, and whether the way they jerk off with you at the end of a sexual interaction is different from how they masturbate as an entirely solo activity.

Your sign-off is really the key here. You aren't a sex therapist. This is your current partner's sexual response, his dick, and his responsibility, in the end. The question to ask is "What does he want to do to change his habits?" and, once you have that information, how you can support his decisions.

In the meantime, have a conversation about what sex without ejaculation and orgasm for him looks like. Some people describe significant discomfort after sexual stimulation without orgasm, but for most, it seems manageable. And in the meantime, if the rapid pulsing of his shaft is part of what works for you about someone ejaculating inside of you, you might ask him to work on his flexing skills to replicate that feeling.

As for sexual compatibility, think about what you enjoy, sexually, and what you’re curious about. Consider the things you aren't into, as well, and how hard of a limit they are—are you open to doing any of them for the sake of your partner's pleasure? Are you firmly against engaging in a specific activity? Can you articulate why, not as a defense of your "maybe" or "no" but as a way of gaining insight into what else you might prefer to do or not do? You might use a yes/no/maybe list online, or printed out, as a guide. Autostraddle did a legendary one about ten years ago with several other useful exercises. Figure out your own tastes, have a talk with your partner, and get some real detail about where the two of you overlap.

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Dear How to Do It,

I (30F) have been dating a guy (33M) for about eight months now and it's going great on every level, even in the post-honeymoon period. He's different from every other guy I’ve ever dated, and one of the ways he's noticeably different is that he absolutely loves a full bush, it drives him wild. I started shaving, and occasionally waxing, everything when I was 12, and this is my inaugural experience with any real hair at all. At first, I was doing this to accommodate him but have grown to enjoy the extra time I have, the new look, and even the feel of it. It's great all around and I don't think I’m ever going back.

Here's my question: I know in the porn he watches the woman all have these thick full luxuriant-looking bushes, but mine feels very wiry, thin, and flat. I’d like to be able to rock the full ‘70s aesthetic (as much to surprise him as to make me feel hot) but I have no clue how to take care of my hair to make it happen. (I’ve tried conditioning it a little, and I tried fur oil, but none of it seemed to work.) Do you have any advice?

—Tending the Topiary

Dear Tending the Topiary,

Congratulations on expanding your horizons, and how lucky for you that the thing your partner is into is something it turns out you also enjoy. I reached out to hair stylist to the stars, KT James—hair down there is still hair—for some tips on fluffing your pubic puff. Here are her words of advice:

I’d refrain from using hair products on pubic hair, so as to not interfere with your PH balance down there. Instead stick with the basics: soap and/or water. It's always best to start with a freshly bathed muff, but if a shower or bath is not accessible, a spritz of water from a spray bottle works in a pinch. Fluff dry with a towel and put on a robe only (no undies) to let your silky curls air dry in all their puffed-out glory. If you’re in a hurry, using a blow dryer is an option, just make sure to keep it on low heat so you don't burn your delicate undercarriage. Use a pick or fingers to style.

The key aspects here are to start wet, and to allow drying without the pressure of fabric flattening your pubes. Enjoy.

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Dear How to Do It,

My husband is finally in therapy for anxiety and low self-esteem, and I’m thrilled. I know it takes time to make changes, and I’m here for the long haul. I have anger and resentment for how he has treated me over the years, and that makes me not want to be physically intimate with him. Every once in a while, I’ll feel about 10 percent sexually attracted to him and then I suggest having sex because I know it's so important to him. After these times, however, he feels close and connected and I feel annoyed and distant. I guess I’m telling myself that I should support his effort at therapy with more sex. But from my perspective, it's driving us apart. Can you think of any way I can satisfy his craving for intimacy while respecting my own feelings and lack of desire?

—Obligated Wife

Dear Obligated Wife,

He can get intimacy without being inside of you. And he can get off with his own hands. You have to prioritize your own feelings, and your own desire—or lack thereof. You’re the best person to advocate for what you need. And it sounds like you haven't been getting your needs met.

Not only is your husband busy dealing with his own stuff right now, but he also can't advocate for needs of yours that he isn't aware of. Does he know that you resent him? Does he know that you don't feel an interest in sex with him often? And that you’re pushing yourself into interactions when you feel the faintest whiff of desire? If he doesn't, tell him. Have a big old talk about it. Make sure you’re each understanding where the other is at.

Meanwhile, your husband is an adult, and access to your body is not a gold star to be handed out for doing what he needs to do to take care of himself. You can support his efforts through means other than sex that you don't want to be having. Respect your feelings, communicate them—along with your boundaries, and take care of yourself.

—Stoya

I have found myself recently in a position where a man who I know has a girlfriend (I am also female) has propositioned me for sex. I am very attracted to him, and I feel like I wouldn't have much guilt if I slept with him. At this point I am looking just for sex, not a relationship, and this one-time tryst would be just sex. Obviously, I know that cheating happens, and I know that sleeping with him would not be a wise decision morally for either of us. But I can't get him out of my head.